Ask For Sex

I’m a happily married man. If you ask me to have sex with you, I’ll politely and, as gently as possible, refuse. I don’t doubt a part of me would be flattered by the attention. I would not be offended.
If you refused to accept my answer, I might be irritated and less gentle, but I still would not be offended.
I am trying to understand the mentality that says a request for sex is offensive. It makes no sense to me. How else is someone who wants sex ever going to find out?


About micklively

Fifty-something, pacifist, six sigma black belt, lean implementer, brewer, vintner, guitarist, wood-turner, and slave to collies.
This entry was posted in etiquette, men, proposition, sex, women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Ask For Sex

  1. Hmm yes, sex is bound about by rules, all unwritten. I wouldn’t myself feel offended by someone asking for sex, although in lots of contexts it’d be socially inappropriate. As long as they’re not offended by me saying no. Thing is, sex is usually more than sex, it’s ego, self-worth, security, validation, power, all kinds of things.

    • micklively says:

      Wise words indeed. I think fear of rejection is a huge component. Sad really. Sex (given a few easy precautions) is such harmless fun: fulfilling, stress-relieving, good exercise, healthy, mind expanding. We really should organise ourselves to make it easier.

  2. isabellashtans says:

    Do people even make verbal requests for it? Isn’t it just a gut feeling? How really needy a woman has to be to ASK a man, who does not demonstrate any sexual interest in her, for sex? This is beyond me.

    • micklively says:

      You’re quite right: people, for the most part, do not make verbal request. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times a woman has asked me for sex and vice versa. This is the accepted way of things. But why should it be so? Why should asking for something you legitimately want be so socially unacceptable? There are a million things I might ask for help with, and never give them a second thought, but sex definitely isn’t one of them. We are strange creatures!

  3. Anna says:

    It’s not offensive if it comes from an equal, but as the previous poster implied, that is often not the case (or wasn’t in the past and old ideas die er hard).

    • micklively says:

      Well, I take your point, but that opens up another whole can of worms. Who gets to decide who is equal to whom? How is the propositioner to know if the propositionee has an inflated opinion of themselves? I don’t think we’re any further forward. And even if they’re not equal, surely a polite refusal and move on is the answer, instead of histrionics. Or is it a not-to-be-missed opportunity to posture and declare to the world how high up the sex pecking order the propositionee places his/herself?

  4. Arkenaten says:

    Don’t fret. I promise not to ask you if you promise not to ask me….okay?

  5. It’s the implication that the questionee might say yes, further implying they were, and or, are “easy” to state it gently. The social stigma that a willing partner is taboo begets from a male dominated society starting before the dawn of history. Herein lies your true question. Does said stigma arise from evolved emotions, such as love and jealously? Or from the carnal want to ensure the fruitful reproduction of ones own DNA. That being successful would tender the continuation of the fittest of the species.

    • micklively says:

      O.K. thanks: that’s interesting.
      It seems you’re saying there’s a confusion of both societal pressures and animal instinct? Or are you saying the animal instinct begets the social component?

      • Animal instinct most definitely begets social construct as a rule in general. The question is, does this particular component derive directly from instinct, or does our skill set of complex emotions play such a large role that they themselves become the mitigating factor in creating the social stigma aforementioned.

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